Ladies and Gentleman, from the Oval Office, the current president of the United States:
“My fellow Americans, It’s been a tough five months for our country. Tonight, I’m coming to you with a heavy heart and a heavy mind. After weeks of study and deep soul searching, I’ve concluded that my administration’s response to the Covid pandemic has been inadequate. Presently, we’re losing the battle, with cases now approaching seventy-five thousand a day with deaths and hospitalizations on the rise exponentially. At the current rate, we will break the one hundred thousand mark in less than a few weeks. I’ve been told that we may even reach one million cases by the fall without drastic changes, with nearly a million deaths.
For that reason, I’m announcing the following changes that, according to my top health advisor Dr. Anthony Fauci, will immediately begin to turn the page for our great country and return us to the kind of normalcy we Americans expect and deserve.
First, in conjunction with all of the governors of our great United States of America, beginning tomorrow at noon, we will be implementing a mandatory mask requirement in all public places throughout the country for no less than one month, perhaps longer if needed.
Second, I will be signing the Defense Authorization Act to increase our testing capability to up to twenty million per day and ensure that the states will have all the PPE they will need over the next 12 months.
Third, I am instructing our Department of Labor to begin massively hiring up to one million contract tracers to ensure that we can adequately stamp out any increases in infections that may incur over the next 12 months.
Fourth, also in conjunction with the governors, I will be calling for immediate funding of $200 billion for all of our fantastic schools, which shall include adequate safeguards and safety protocols to ensure our children can return to school, and give all of their parents and guardians the confidence they need to return to work, knowing they’ll be in good hands.
Finally, I’m also calling on an immediate infusion of at least $1 trillion to all state and local governments, to help plug the holes in their budgets, caused by the economic downturn and this deadly pandemic.
If we do all of these things and do them quickly and efficiently, I believe the United States of America will again become the world’s envy–not the laughingstock that we’ve become, thanks to my inaction and incompetence.
My fellow Americans, tonight, I offer you an apology for the past five months. Perhaps I was hit by a lightning bolt. Or, maybe the almighty lord intervened. Whatever the reason, I’m a changed man and vow to you that I will finally become the president you all deserve. From here on out, it’s all about you, not me.
God bless you, and God bless the United States of America.”
And then, I woke up.
If only we had a real president who would have done all of the above the past five months. If he had implemented these directives back in April, imagine where we’d be as a country right now. We’d be at least as well off as the European Union, and maybe some of the Asian countries like South Korea, Japan, or Taiwan.
But we do not have that luxury. We don’t have a real president–only someone who has the title. The responsibility and magnitude of the office continue to elude him. Every day, we’re subjected to more chaos, more incompetence, and more corruption than we’ve never seen.
And while I’d love to see my satirical dream come true, you and I know it’s not going to happen. We all know he doesn’t care about any of us out here in the real world. His bubble, his biological bubble, where everyone is tested, socially distances, and gives him top-notch medical care, are out of reach for 99.9% of us. But there he is, telling parents to send their kids to school and get back to work. Easy for him to say, huh?
The polls are all looking bleak for the current president. But I ask all of you to please ignore such news. Keep thinking the polls are much tighter than they’re showing. Otherwise, we risk complacency, and complacency is not an option for this election.
109 days from now. Count them all down. Mark each day off on your calendar and ask yourself what it would mean if he‘s reelected. What would it mean for our once great country and the democracy that’s currently hanging by a thread?
Because this time, even more so than 2016, it’s life and death, folks. Literally.