A confidential letter from Donald J. Trump to his supporters … P.S, please don’t tell the fake news.
Hello everyone. As you know, in a few days we’ll be celebrating the anniversary of the most miraculous day in the history of modern civilization. That’s right. Thanks to all of you and my pal Vladimir, I was elected to serve as your President of the United States of America. Almost instantly, our country went from being the laughing stock of the world, to well, a bigger laughingstock of the world.
Soon though, our calendar will switch to a new year, 2020. And you all know what that means, right? Yes, your favorite little President is running for reelection, and I’m going to need your help again to stave off the radical socialist Democrats. I know I can count on you.
From time to time over the next year, I’m going to provide a summary to you describing how we’ve managed to not only make American great again, but also to reiterate how imperative it is that I win so that I can keep America great. Otherwise, those filthy rotten Democrats will take over and ruin your lives as never before.
So today, I’d like to remind you of a few things I’ve done that you may or may not have known. You know how the lame-stream fake news media never tells you when I so something fantastic? Well, that’s why I’m writing to you today. You deserve to know how really, really great your President is for this country.
Do you remember how I told you during the 2016 campaign how I was going to drain the swamp? Well, my fellow Trumpsters, I’ve done that, and then some. In the area of education, of which I am the most educated of all previous Presidents, by the way, I installed Betsy Devos as Secretary of Education. You may have never heard of Betsy before I nominated her, but she happens to be the most unqualified person to have ever served in that capacity. That’s right, MAGA’s, I did it all for you.
She doesn’t believe in public schools, so naturally, I put her there to destroy public education. My fellow Americans, she’s doing a fantastic job. You’re welcome!
Perhaps an even more significant achievement for me, and there’s been so many I can’t keep up, has been in the area of environmental policy. Yes, again, I’m the foremost expert in this field, so I decided that I’d install a few gentlemen who would do there very best to pollute the air and poison the water.
Because, as you know, my dear white American friends, climate change is a hoax perpetrated by none other than the Chinese. Those crazy socialist Democrats would love nothing better than to regulate the fossil fuel industry. Can you believe those idiots want clean air and water?
Well, I was not going to let them get away with it. In the interest of making lots of money for the industry, I’ve installed some people who’ve spent their career making tons of money lobbying and working for the industry. God, I’m so great.
We installed Andrew Wheeler as head of the EPA. I don’t really know what the EPA does, but I’m told that they’re a socialist agency of Deep Staters, hell-bent on destroying the fossil fuel companies. Mr. Wheeler is perfect for the job. Why? His most recent position was as an energy lobbyist. Some of his biggest clients included Murray Energy Corporation, which at one time was one of the largest coal mining companies in America. Who better to have in charge than a guy who doesn’t believe in climate change and only cares about the big bucks?
Well, my friends, Wheeler, is delivering for us in a big way. Why just a few days ago, he announced our plan to loosen the black guy President’s regulations on toxic waste storage at coal-fired plants. This will help our coal industry so much. I told you I was going to save the industry!
And do not pay attention to the crazy tree-hugging idiots who say the regulation change raises the risk that toxic elements could leak from the ponds into nearby water supplies. It’s nothing but fake news. But, you knew that. Anyway, who cares if toxic elements get in there? I certainly don’t. Damn it, there’s money to be made, and the black guy did it, so I’m all for changing the rule. Your President, delivering again!
Finally, we installed another guy over at the Department of Interior, who is doing an excellent job. Again, I’m not quite sure what they do over there, but David Bernhardt is running the place like a well-oiled machine. Wow, I just made a hilarious joke. Bernhardt is another fossil fuel guy, a former oil-industry lobbyist. Get it? A well-oiled machine? Sometimes I surprise myself at how brilliant I am.
I’ve been told that Interior is responsible for one-fifth of all the land in the United States, including the wealth of oil, natural gas, and coal below the ground. My mouth is watering at the thought of selling off these ugly areas of America so that my fossil fuel friends can make many, many billions of dollars. Why on earth should we protect these areas? None of my resorts are there, so what’s the big deal?
But David is a super guy. Ok, he’s already been under investigation by the IG for some shady dealings in Colorado. But, who hasn’t in my incredible swamp administration? Plus, the guy said he isn’t losing sleep over climate change. So right there, he’s perfect for my climate-denying agenda.
And the guy recently appointed William Pendley to run the Bureau of Land Management. Pendley is my kind of guy too, because he can’t stand public lands. Hopefully, he’ll sell off a ton to my greedy friends. And who knows? Maybe I’ll even put one of my towers over at the Grand Canyon someday. Can you imagine that my MAGA friends?
So there you have it. Just a few of the many great things I’m doing for all of my wonderful supporters. I hope you can see fit to throw me a few bucks when you get a chance. I know I told you back in 2015 that I wouldn’t be beholden to any of the big money corporations and wealthy people. Of course, I lied to you then, and I’m lying to you now. Because actually, I’m not that rich. Don’t tell that to the fake news people, please!
I know you don’t care. I know you’ll still vote for me because I really am the last great white hope you have. Any money you can send my way will be spent wisely. I’ll make sure to spread as many lies and misleading statements as I can. We cannot have those whacko Democrats win in 2020. We know another Great Depression would soon follow. So please, donate to me as often as you can.
And one more piece of good news for you, my friends: Vlad has vowed to help me again! Yep, that’s right, Russia is in my corner still. I know that’s ok because you like the guy. He and I are so much alike. He’s a lot smarter than I am, but we’re like soul brothers, you know? Anyway, I’ve told him that anything he needs me to do to further his world domination plans, I’m ready and raring to go.
So thank you so much, my beautiful deplorable supporters. We will win again in 2020. Pay no attention to Shifty Schiff’s impeachment plans for me. He doesn’t have a prayer of succeeding. My bootlickers in the Senate will never let him get away with it.
It’s you and me against the world, my friends. I can’t wait to be your President for life. Oops, didn’t mean that. Well, maybe, I did. We’ll see what happens!
President Donald J. Trump.